It took me 24 years to understand that he did not value me in the way that I deserve to be valued. But that was more about me than it was about him. The fact of the matter is I did not value myself. I did not know what it should look like for someone to care for me and love me wholly, because I didn't feel safe.
I didn't trust him.
With me.
And he's not the only one. He most certainly isn't the first one.
This is rooted in the understanding and acknowledgement that I have never felt loved or wanted. Not by a man. Not ever. The story of my father is the story of my father and you can read my book to understand, but it's rooted in abandonment. It's rooted in mistrust.
I was watching a television show ,“Unprisoned”, starring Kerry Washington and Delroy Lindo and in it, she seemed to be going through the very same thing that both my sister and I have been going through our entire lives. It takes her a long time, well into her 40s, just like me, before she realizes that she doesn't trust. She doesn't trust goodness because where there should have been goodness in her life, it betrayed her. It’s the same thing that happened to my sister and I. Our Father should have been the one to show us what it means to be loved just because we exist, because we are who we are. He never did that. It's not that he was missing either. He was right there our whole lives. We had access to him. He had access to us. He chose not to.
I was sitting in some sadness the other day, because I understood, or rather I came to like this realization that I have never really experienced romantic love. The love of a significant other, pure and whole and true.
I have never had someone consider me.
Inexplicably.
Thoroughly.
For me.
I have never. Past tense. I have never been with someone who sees me.
The value of me.
Never.
And it made me sad, momentarily, and only momentarily because it's a big feeling to navigate. A big reckoning to reckon with. What I know is that there is someone in the world looking for me, looking for someone that they want to love. Respectfully, truthfully, honestly. There is someone who sees me for all that I am worth and to be with that someone I first…
…must see that in myself.